Washable Markers and Other Lies

Washable Markers and Other Lies

When parents are “expecting” or have young children we are told, by well meaning people I’m  sure, some things that don’t actually pan out to be completely true. In the interest of complete honesty I’ve decided to share the whole truth with you. Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

Breastfeeding is natural.

Natural? Um, no. Painful and awkward? Yes. Anytime you throw around terms like, “the football hold” and “cross-cradle hold” you know it’s serious business. There is nothing “natural” about closing the curtains and locking your door at work so you can have semi-privacy to attach giant  electric suction cups to your boobs. I eventually loved nursing 2 of my 3 kiddos- but after quite a few weeks and I certainly wouldn’t call those first few days “like, sooo natural…”

Cleanup is quick and easy.

Pick up the package of any baby product at the store- this is the number 1 selling feature. If a tiny human is involved, nothing, especially cleanup, is quick and easy. I don’t care how awesome the product is. 3 kids in and I’ve finally figured this one out. Meh.

You’ll figure it out.

Yes, you will figure it out, but as soon as you do the question will change. Then the asker will change. The subject will change followed by everything else. Just when you think you’ve got it you will probably realize that you were wrong all along. Don’t worry, they’ll be the first to tell you that you are wrong and know nothing.

Washable markers.

Yeah- this one speaks for itself. This may be true for nice, young two year old skin, but furniture, curtains, walls-not so much.

Have kids they said. It’ll be fun they said.

If by fun they mean no sleep, snot-covered clothes, your furniture is now 90% plastic fun, then yep. Fun. 

You already have 2. What’s one more?

There is an indescribable and immovable paradigm shift when you go from 2 to 3 tiny people. Sure, you think, you’ve got the gear, you’ve done this twice already, you’ve got this. Only, you don’t. There is something about #3. It’s like they fly out of the womb fully aware of all your parent tricks and they are in on every counter-maneuver you’ve ever concocted. Plus, now you have to move from man-to-man defense to zone.  Gone are the days of two car seats in a fuel efficient vehicle. Now it’s upgrade to minivan time- sliding doors, pop up gate, and $60 gas bills.  Score another for tiny people.

You’ll miss this when it’s gone.

Nope. Not true. I miss it now. Every night. Every hug. Every kiss. Every scraped knee, bedtime story, dried tear, and sweet snuggle. I know it is just day closer to being gone. I miss nursing. I miss spending a half hour wiping pasta sauce out of blond hair. I miss figuring it all out. I miss scrubbing marker, crayon and, paint out of every conceivable surface. I miss the fun of hours of hide-and-seek. I miss 3 year olds sneakin’ and creepin’ at 3 a. m. My babies aren’t babies anymore.

Babies are only babies for so long. Embrace the lies. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out too.

What would you add to the list?



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  1. May 5, 2016 / 11:52 am

    This is a good one…

  2. May 5, 2016 / 2:13 pm

    This is so witty yet beautiful! I love it! We only have 1 now, wanting 2 more though so I am glad I read this. I still want three but it’ll be nice knowing that I won’t know how to do a darn thing! Thanks for sharing! #mommatime

  3. May 5, 2016 / 3:07 pm

    I chuckled all the way through this list. So very true every single one of them! I have to wholeheartedly agree with all of it especially the last one. I have 4, ages 11, 9, 5 and 1. And I miss them now, especially when I am at work but then go nuts when they are around me all day haha. I would add that to the list…”Take some time for yourself to unwind”…There is actually no unwinding when all I am thinking about is the kids and what they are up to and what kind of trouble they are into and the mess that will be waiting for me at home haha. But its all worth it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

  4. May 5, 2016 / 5:39 pm

    Oh my goodness, I loved this! Especially the ‘what’s one more?’ section! EVERYONE I knew told me that the third would just slot right in, it’d be easy. HA! Liars. My third completely and utterly rocked my foundations and made me doubt my ability as a mother – up until him, I thought I had the motherhood thing down, but that baby was H-A-R-D. He’s 5 now and the apple of my eye, but it was not a walk in the park.
    (followed from Momma Time linky 🙂 )

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